Honshin
by Shinnite
Summary: Just Sesshou maru's thoughts on his brother as I saw them. The title Honshin means True Feelings.


Honshin

          I do not hate you, brother.  I detest you, true, but the sight of you has never boiled the blood in my veins.

          You confuse me.  Since the moment you were born my world had been turned upside-down.  I saw the look on father's face as he saw you and I became confused – what was the emotion he was expressing?

          It was love, he said.  I had scoffed at it then – _true_ youkai do not love.  Or so my mother had taught me.  I had never seen that look in her eyes when she had looked at me – all I saw were calculations.  And neither did father look at me that way – he might have when I was born, but my mother had taken me away before I could get to know him.  

          The only thing I had seen from my father was sadness – a weakness, my mother had said.  Caring for people only allows you to be hurt in the end.  And yet sometimes, sometimes…

          Sometimes I wished someone had looked at me that way.

          But I'm not jealous of you, brother – I never was.  A youkai is not supposed to be jealous – youkai are always supposed to hide feelings behind a mask of indifference.   And a crack in that mask can be more deadly than a gaping wound – that has always been my philosophy to live by.  But you always seemed so carefree when you were younger – always walking around with your face bare to the world.  You confused me even more.

          I don't like being confused.  I always resented not knowing how you could live as you did.  But then you disappeared after your parents were killed and by the time I found you again you were wearing a mask as thick as mine.  In a way, I was satisfied – perhaps now I could clear myself of this confusion.

          You were still confusing – your anger for that ningen girl, was it caused by the love that father claimed to have known?  I believed it possible in you, for the dirty blood of your mother had tainted you, making you weak.

          But you still confused me.  And thus I had to walk away unsatisfied, and in pain.  I started to wonder if emotions weren't really a weakness…

          No, I had reasoned.  My defeat at your hands had simply been a fluke, luck and Tetsusaiga had won you that battle.  I wandered, unable to heal my damaged body, until I happened across another youkai.  Naraku.

          And he had given me what I needed.  Now I could use Tetsusaiga and show that emotions were a weakness.  It had seemed to be working, too, until that same ningen had been hurt again.  And my confusion increased even more – it was emotions that had caused your injuries, but it was also emotions that had allowed you to triumph once more.  Was my mother wrong? Were emotions a kind of power that I was unable to harness?  I had to leave in order to contemplate this new idea.

          But it couldn't possibly be emotions.  After all, it would mean my very life had been based on a lie.  I had to test this out; I had to find my answer.  And so I challenged you to one-on-one combat – there was no way your feelings for that woman could interfere with our fight.

          But you had won again.  And as I was swept away, severely injured, I again saw anger on your face.  It was emotion that had allowed you to win again.  My entire life _was_ based on a lie – and that revelation jarred me to the bone.

          And then I met Rin.  She is also confusing – in a way, she reminds me of when you were younger, brother, and had taken with you an air of being _alive_.  Oh, she knew what I was – I'm sure – but she also didn't care.  I tried to treat her with harshness to distance myself – I was weak and vulnerable, a side of me that should never have existed.  When harshness didn't work I tried indifference instead – but all in vain.

          Then wolves killed her, brother, did you know that? In that one moment I had felt something almost akin to relief – one less person to confuse me.  Something inside me had growled at the thought and I felt like hiding in a cave somewhere far away – my mask was cracking, pieces of it whistling through the air as they fell, only to crack on the ground as they landed. I could almost _hear_ it.

          And then I did something unthinkable – I brought her back to life.  You would think it impossible, brother.  I, Sesshou maru, had brought a _ningen_ back to life.  But then she looked at me.  And smiled at me the way father had always smiled at you.  I could only be in awe of the child – after everything that happened, after the way I treated her, she still faced the world with a type of bravery I had never had.

          Could I possibly be a coward?  Is it simply fear that keeps my mask intact to keep myself hidden?  It is a horrible thought that I do not want to contemplate.  But it still kept rearing its head at the worst of times, and I detest it.  This feeling was all due to my confusion – and I hate being confused.

          Then you had changed, brother.  You had lost your mind and killed humans.  Even though I have seen you so little, I knew you would be crushed and suicidal if you regained your mind to find your claws dirtied with the blood of your friends.  I could not allow you to die, and so I saved you.

          But do not be mistaken, brother.  I do not hate you, but I do not love you either.  You confuse me – but you are also the key to ending that confusion.  You, and Rin, are the key to find the one thing I have need of – an answer.  I _will_ have my answer.

          For I do so _detest_ being confused.

Authors Notes ~ My first _completed_ IY fic and it had to be about Fluffy. .  Oh well, he happens to be one of my faves, so I don't really care.

  This is actually _my_ take on how Sesshou maru feels about his brother – from what I've seen of the manga (and anime) there have been many times that Sesshou maru could have killed Inu Yasha, yet he never did.  That's when Mitsuu started a hopping up and down with inspiration and I had to write this down to shut her up. (For those who don't know, Mitsuu happens to be my non-hentai muse)

  Standards disclaimers apply, and if you want to argue on Fluffy's personality or if you just want to chat you can e-mail me at silverwave_torrent@hotmail.com _or_ you can catch me on AIM – I go under the name ladyshinnite (There was actually a Shinnite already on AIM! Scary…o.O)


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